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“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.” Henry Ford

I used to believe this, but in my last post I mentioned that I once learned an important lesson on a climbing wall, I’d like to share that with you and explain why I no longer believe the above to be true…

I had always wanted to try rock climbing and I finally worked up the motivation to attend an introductory class.   A climbing wall didn’t quite live up to my ideal of climbing sweeping cliffs overlooking the sea somewhere on the South West Wales coast line with the warm sun, the soothing sound of the waves and a gentle breeze for company (delusional I know, sun in South Wales!, I’ve lived in Wales all my life, you’d think I’d know better), but it was a start.

I quickly realised that climbing was going to be harder than I thought.  I have excellent lower body strength and absolutely no upper body strength.  Although, I had been assured that climbing depended mainly on lower body strength, yeah right, that why climbers have amazing arms and shoulder.  Unfortunately for me it also requires flexibility, coordination and balance, I’m flexible, but I am notoriously uncoordinated and unbalanced (not just mentally).  I’m also a shorty at just 5’2” and the wall had obviously been set up by someone much, much taller, because even on the supposedly easy routes I was struggling to reach the holds.  I was also caught off guard by just how much fear being six-foot of the ground elicited, it wasn’t an unpleasant experience but it was quite unexpected as I’ve never had a problem with heights, although ladders that’s a different story, it wasn’t anywhere near as scary as climbing the rickety old wooden ladder my father uses to get into his attic.

After gaining some confidence on the easiest routes I wanted to try something slightly harder. I really couldn’t make any progress on the next route, the holds were placed even farther apart meaning that they were often completely out of my reach or if I could reach them, my arms or legs were extended to a point that I couldn’t bring any strength to bear to move myself up. I was getting frustrated, angry and tired.  The instructor came over to help, unwittingly making himself a target for those feelings. I felt he was totally out of touch with my limitations in terms of my strength and height.  As an instructor he’s supposed to know how to accommodate a persons needs to help them achieve the best they can and I felt he was being plain inconsiderate.  After a few minutes of trying to do what he was suggesting I was feeling utterly useless, physically unable and generally inept as well as exceptionally annoyed at him.  Convinced I would fall if I continued, I jumped off the wall and had the story ended here, then I would say this confirms the reasoning of the quote. However, back on the ground expecting some criticism from the instructor for not trying hard enough, I was ready, to repeat all the reasons I couldn’t do it and why he was being inconsiderate.  I was surprised when without any accusation or note of disapproval, he simply asked with curiosity, like he really didn’t understand but wanted to – “Why did you jump?” – taken off guard, I answered almost immediately and honesty, that I believed I was going to fall and would rather jump than fall.  Sounding almost baffled by my reply the instructor said, that I was better climbing until I fall, because if I never fell I would never know where my limits were, only where I believed them to be. I was struck by a startling realisation, an epiphany even, that this is what I always do. I was so afraid of falling or rather failing that I usually jumped whenever failure became a possibility, of course I always had a good reason, but it has happened so many times that there was definitely a pattern.

Still utterly convinced it was impossible for me to reach the top of the wall I asked the instructor if he would stay and direct me, I explained why I had been having so much difficulty, that there weren’t any holds I could reach and that I couldn’t get any purchase on the bare wall, he suggested that I have a little more faith in the limited purchase I had, that provided I committed and moved quickly it ‘should’ hold.  Committed to climbing until I fell, really fell, I set off up the wall.  It was inconceivable that I could actually reach the top.  When I reached the section I had failed on previously I was scared, terrified beyond reason, not because I thought I would hurt myself, I trusted my climbing partner and realistically, on this wall,  baring catastrophic equipment failure or freak accident  the worst I was risking was a scuffed knee due to contact with its rough surface.  I was terrified because I was challenging my physical but more profoundly my mental boundaries, my beliefs about myself and my reality. I was risking failing.  At the time I couldn’t fully comprehend my fear, but on some instinctive level I understood that this was a pivotal moment and that ensured I remained totally committed, an enthralling combination of emotion.  For that short time I placed my faith in the instructor.  I could barely think through the battle taking place in my mind, the fear consumed me, I couldn’t plan, I couldn’t see a way ahead, I depended totally on his direction.   I followed his instructions when I could and when I couldn’t I relayed back why so he could suggest alternatives.  I’ve rarely put that much faith in anyone, its hard to explain I was so far beyond my comfort zone, I felt truly vulnerable.  I was doing something I believed was impossible, every second expecting to fall, fighting my instincts to give up and get back to the familiar, the safe and on top of that I still had a sense, that I couldn’t explain, that this somehow had a much deeper meaning to my whole life.

Every time I pushed off a foot hold expecting the grip in my hands to give way, every time I dared to chance falling or failing I broke through boundaries in  my mind, and when I didn’t fail that scared me even more, how often had I limited myself by what I thought was possible.  Finally, I clung to the wall, so near to the top, if I could just push up onto my higher foot hold, and reach up with one hand I could reach the top.  It was impossible, my arms and legs shook violently from the physical strain, I didn’t have strength to hold on much longer let alone achieve that one final feet of strength to reach the top.  I was even more terrified of falling than ever, being this close and knowing absolutely that there was no way I would be able to repeat the attempt that day.  I committed to moving, I let go and pushed up with every last ounce of physical and mental strength I had, and to my amazement, I did it, I didn’t fall.  The relief and sense of achievement, and did I mention the relief were amazing. I had overcome the shocking and all-consuming fear I had experience on the way up the wall to achieve the impossible. I can’t remember the instructor’s name, but I will always be grateful.  I find myself wondering if he even had the slightest inkling of the mental battle raging in my head whilst I tried to follow his instructions or just how deeply the experience would affect and guide my life from there on.  I’m probably one of a hundred inexperienced climbers he helped get to the top of a climbing wall, but he changed my perspective and opened my eyes to my reaction to situations that I was unaware of and in doing so profoundly changed my life for the better.

Until my hand touched the top of the wall I truly did not believe it was possible for me to do so.  It was the commitment to keep going until I fell and the guidance and encouragement of a knowledgeable and patient instructor that got me to the top, not my belief that it was possible.  Now when I set myself a goal, like climbing the North Face of the Eiger, which I believe is impossible, that belief is largely irrelevant, I keep in mind that my beliefs are limited and they can change with new information, because I believe it’s impossible,  it doesn’t mean it is, I place my faith in that, together with the knowledge that I am often capable of much more than I give myself credit for, I just need to keep taking a step in the right direction and resisting the urge to give up because or setbacks or because I fear failure or believe its impossible. I may have to ask for guidance along the way, or undertake to learn new skill and / or trust in someone else’s judgement on occasions, but if I keep going in the right direction, I can achieve the impossible, or at least increase the limits of what I believe to be possible, because reaching the top of that climbing wall never was impossible for me I just believed it was.

I had given up on my goal, it had become more of a vague dream I once had.  Yet the picture, meant to inspire me still sits on my desk at work, but most of the time I just don’t notice it.

Why had I given up my dream?

Well for the last two years I have been struggling with neck and lower back pain that radiates down my right arm and leg.  As my fitness stands, my goal is impossible and for all my bravado I guess I really have started to believe that there is no way to fix this problem.  After all, most of my mother’s family have suffered debilitating back problems, why should I be able to overcome mine, when they haven’t.  The doctors can’t find any obvious physical abnormality causing the nerve pain and physiotherapy and chiropractic treatment together with Alexander Technique lessons have had limited success in managing it.  Medication has helped but that comes with further limitations, such as I can’t drive or ride my motorbike.  So I guess I have been feeling fairly disheartened recently.

What Changed?

In my last post I asked “what am I waiting for?” why was I putting my life on hold waiting for my back to get better?  Since then I happened across The Red Bull Stratos Mission.  This is truly incredible. Felix Baumgartner an accomplished parachutist and BASE jumper plans to ascend to 120 000 feet in a stratospheric balloon and make a freefall jump. Not only would this be the highest jump ever, he also hopes to reach supersonic speeds during freefall, becoming the first man to do so without the protection of a vehicle. Watching the video of the unmanned test flight, at the height he plans to jump from you can see the curvature of the earth and black of the sky above, its not quite space (327 360 feet) but still its an awesome sight …and all this whilst pictures of the jump are broadcast live, with a 30 second delay, in case of disaster – so no pressure. Tuesday 9th October I watched through the delays due to weather and technical problems, then the set up only for the mission to be cancelled due to too high winds at the last minute, but I was captivated.  It looks like the next launch window will be on Sunday 14th October – I’ll be watching. If Felix Baumgartner can envision and get this close to achieving this amazing feet, even if he isn’t successful in his attempt what he has achieved in getting this close is amazing, then how can I let go of my belief that my dream is possible so easily.  The fact that they can’t find a cause for my back pain means it is likely mechanical, its to do with the way I use my body when sitting, standing, walking etc putting pressure on the nerves, no doubt in the long run this would lead to ware and tare of the spinal joints that would show up on an X-ray, this is what seems to have happened in my auntie’s case.  However, this suggests that I can overcome the problem, before it comes to that, with the correct exercise and fitness routine, why I stopped believing this I don’t know.  So today I again chose to believe in my dream and make it my goal.

My Goal

EigernordwandEnglish: Eiger north face

The awe inspiring north face (or more precisely northwest face) of the Eiger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Before I am 40 (7 years) I intend to climb the Eiger.  In the past I have always said that my aim was simply to summit by the most difficult route I was capable of, as I don’t have any concept of what my capabilities are I was never willing to commit …but, if I am being honest here, and not limiting myself by what I believe to be possible, I want to climb the north face, the Eigernordwand.  I don’t know if I will ever have the fitness, skill or balls (figuratively speaking, being female and all) to actually do this.  There I admitted it, I know its dangerous, no I’m not crazy …well not much.  Why this mountain, why this face.  Just look at the picture of the face towering above the meadow it raises out of, it’s stunning and scary, and steeped in history, and I have a hero, and he always wanted to climb it, I don’t think he ever did make it but after reading his books, how could I not want to do it.  So where do I start,  I’m currently 32 over weight, unfit and in constant pain, the most I’ve done in the past is some gentle hill walking and climbed on an indoor climbing wall, and not much of that in the last two years.  I don’t know how I get from where I am, to where I want to be or what my intermediate goals need to be, but I’m going to figure it out and start heading in the right direction. I once learned an important lesson on a climbing wall, I don’t have to believe it’s possible, I just have to determinedly and stubbornly keep reaching for that next hold, but that’s another story.

Over a 12 year period in my life, I lost 11 close friends and family.  They all died of different and unrelated causes, the youngest 19 a close friend died in a car accident, my stepfather 43 died of heart failure and my uncle 41 died of meningitis.  I lost so many people I loved and cared for I often wonder how I survived that time with my sanity in tact.  I guess I learned to be more mindful and accept as much as I am able the impermanence of this life.   I am now able to stop and be in the moment for a short while. For example, my favourite flowers are Daffodils they flower for such a short period during the year that when I see them I always stop to appreciate their wonderful vibrant colours, their somewhat simple but beautiful form, the way the dance delicately in the wind.  For a moment I am lost in the present totally absorbed and totally alive, not living in the past or future, just enjoying one single moment.  The impermanence of the lovely bloom somehow enhances its beauty, as I believe it does with life.

This practice has kept me sane. However, I realised this week that I don’t apply this thinking to my life generally.  I am waiting for my back to be better or the house I am renovating to be finished before getting on and living my life. I have been suffering from sciatica for eighteen months and I have been renovating a house for over two years, in part due to the slow pace necessitated by my pain.  Two years are a long time to put my life on hold.  Past experience tells me that there are no guarantees that I will be here next year, next week or even tomorrow.  Ok so I am often in significant pain and I have very little money or time due to renovating a house.

I wondered where I got this from and realised I have probably always thought like this and those around me with the best intensions encourage this kind of thinking.  My father always told me “when you finish university you can…”, my partner tells me “when we have more time you can…” and  I have told myself “once I get a better job I will…” but when does it stop.  When do I get to the point that I can live my life, because once I finished university I needed a job and then a better job and then more time and now my back to get better I realised I want to live my life now.  Not just in some fanciful day-dream of a future that is in reality always just out of reach because the goal posts shift.  Life isn’t perfect but it is my life to live now.

The problem is I’m unsure how to live my life now, whilst still managing everyday tasks and planning for the future. I think the problem is how I define ‘living’.  ‘Living’ means living a perfect vision of how I want life to be.  The trouble with ‘perfect’ is it’s unachievable, so my ‘living’ stays always just out of reach. I put things off until they can be perfect.  For example, I thought, I will only write my blog once I can write regularly.  Granted with my current commitments I will be able to write less often than I would like, but that still going to be more often than waiting for circumstances to be perfect.  Yikes, this is my most familiar flaw – all or nothing thinking.  I didn’t see that one coming; I should have! Also I don’t fully appreciate what I have.  I have started to feel resentful that I have to spend so much of my free time stretching, just to keep my pain manageable.  This is bizarre I have always enjoyed stretching or yoga as a way to calm my mind and body and in reality I should be thinking that this is an excellent excuse to spend a lot of time on me.  Or perhaps that’s what’s making me uncomfortable, spending time looking after me, instead of achieving some goal.

Having realised some of what’s keeping me from living my life now, my action plan is to stop putting things off until the situation is perfect, or I’ll never get anything done.  And, and it’s a big and, I am going to be mindful of when I am feeling guilty about spending time and effort on me.

Bad Day?

Last Friday, I had an awful day, one of those days that starts bad and gets worse, the type of day where everything that can go wrong seems to go wrong. Or did I?

I have been suffering from significant pain in my lower back and hip for almost two years and it has been getting progressively worse over the last year.  I take quite strong painkillers to help me manage the pain and remain in work.

Friday morning I decided to wait until I got to work to take my painkillers.  However I forgot to take them with me.  My first thought on realising my error was “this is going to be a long day”.  My suspicions were confirmed when before lunch I took a call from an extremely abusive client.  Just before leaving for the day I received a call from a suicidal client who wouldn’t identify herself.  Finally having arrived home, I realise I didn’t have my wallet.  I couldn’t be certain I had left it in work, so I couldn’t leave it until Monday just in case it was lost or stolen, in which case I would need to report it missing.  As we had guests my partner couldn’t take me back to work, and ordinary having took painkillers I wouldn’t have been able to drive myself.  Thankfully, I was able to return to work and retrieve my wallet without too much disturbance to our evening plans because I had forgotten to take my painkillers with me that morning.

On the drive home it occurred to me what a lucky coincidence it was that I had forgotten my painkillers.  I started to wonder if there were other ‘lucky coincidences’ that I had failed to see today as I had been stuck in my belief that it was a bad day.

Good Day?

Returning to the abusive customer, a colleague overheard the conversation and was able to advise me that in the future I could refer a general enquiry, not related to a specific case to our help line.  This is useful advice for the future.  I wasn’t able to identify the potentially suicidal client however a colleague whom she had spoken to earlier in the day recognise the situation she had described and was able to identify the client.  This was especially lucky as that member of staff usually leaves early on a Friday.  This allowed my manager to deal with the situation appropriately.  Finally, the 40 min round trip to return to the office and home provided me with the much-needed quiet time to reflect on the days events.

What a Day!

So, was it a good day after all? Probably not, but it occurred to me that my belief that it was going to be a bad day  made me focus on the bad things that happened and made it seem like an awful day.  This reminds me of an exercise someone once asked me to do.  I can’t remember when, where or why but it does seem quite relevant.

Take 60 seconds to look around the room you’re sat in and memorize as may red objects as you can.  Try this now before you read on.  How many red objects could you remember?  Now without looking around again how may green objects can you remember. I bet it’s far fewer than the number of red objects you remembered.  Are there really less green objects than red objects in the room, or is it just that you remember what you were focusing on.  Have a look around I suspect there are a lot more green objects than you remember.

Perhaps this is really how the ‘law of attraction’ works.  Does it really have anything to do with ‘positive vibrations’ or is it simply that if we focus on positive things we notice more positive things including the opportunities that present themselves to improve our situation and create more positive outcomes.  Compare this with what I was doing which was focusing on the negative, and therefore seeing only the negative.  If I do this everyday it is likely I will also miss and opportunities to improve my situation as I am not looking for them.  In my post ‘A New Years Resolution’ I talked about how I have been practicing focusing on my successes no matter how small, and I think this change in attitude has allowed me to view my ‘bad day’ in a more realistic light. From now on, as well as focusing on my successes I will also look for the good things that happen in my day.  The more I look for them the more I will notice and the better my days will be.

Many Blessings

Serenity

I came across some really good advice a week or so ago and would love to share it with you.  Prosper where you are planted!  Basically in order to succeed we need to start from where we are right now, not where we used to be, where we think we should be or where we want to be, but from where we are.

The problem I had was I didn’t really know where I was.  I sat and reflected on my life as it is now (maybe you’d like to take some time to do the same) and what I found was I had a long list of negative points, all the things I would like to change about my life: I’m overweight, suffering from chronic pain and recurrent depressing, I’m in a dead-end job which may not even exist in two years time … (it was a long list). I hadn’t listed one positive thing!  That made me think, was I really that bad, was I totally hopeless or was it just some sort of twisted thinking.  Did you do the same?

I sat down to reflect again, only this time I was determined to find some positive points.  That was quite difficult and very uncomfortable as it’s not something I’m used to doing.  I did manage a small list: I’m determined, I’m a good problem solver and I enjoy learning new things.  If you took the time to reflect on your life and like me found yourself listing only negative points I would really like you to think of some positive points.                                            

It occurred to me after doing this exercise that the first thing I need to work on to improve my life is my habit of focusing on my failures.  I decided that I will focus on every tiny little success.  For example, instead of mentally beating myself up for not completing all my ironing I praise myself for completing half my ironing. I am being kinder to myself and I am starting to feel more positive and in control.  Admittedly it isn’t always easy and I find myself annoyed because I haven’t noticed any successes.  I remind myself to be gentle, that I can’t change the habits of a lifetime in a couple of days.  I have started to create the successes, instead of feeling horrible because I haven’t done any exercise, I get up and do a single yoga pose, admittedly a very small success but its better than doing nothing. 

I have also committed to list all the things I have achieved no matter how tiny and all the things I am thankful for each night before I go to sleep.  The list normally begins with being thankful for a nice warm bed.  Instead of lying in bed thinking of all the things I haven’t done, needed to do or shouldn’t have done, over and over,  I think of what I have achieved and what I’m thankful for, if it’s a short list I just repeat it.   Admittedly I often find myself slipping into my old habits but each time I notice I’m doing that, I just let the thought go and return to thinking about what I have achieved and what I am thankful for. Thinking over and over positive things certainly makes for a better nights sleep than thinking about all the negative things over and over.  If you are feeling down or overwhelmed I would urge you to try this, it takes practice but it is simple and I have really noticed I feel better about myself and my life.

I have resolved to do this each day for the next year, to focus on my successes and be thankful for what I have, no matter how small. If I can change my thinking I can change my life.  If you give this a try I would love to hear about your experience.

Many Blessings

Serenity